An Embarrassment of Pandas

My ex-husband is in prison, serving a life sentence for the things he did to me. He was an attorney at a prominent law firm. He and his supporters, who can only be described as a cult, will tell you I brainwashed my children, an Assistant District Attorney, a Child and Family Investigator, twelve jurors, a judge, lawyers, therapists, friends, family, and strangers into believing my ex-husband is a violent, abusive, manipulative, scary human. The novels Verity by Colleen Hoover and The Wife Upstairs by Freida McFadden left readers wondering who was telling the truth. You may wonder if I did convince people about things that didn’t happen. I encourage you to read this and then decide. The question people most often ask is, 'What happened?' This memoir is the answer. My marriage, my whole adult life, was built on broken promises and lies. I’m ready to tell the truth. Before now, I stayed silent. I was ashamed and embarrassed. I couldn’t admit what happened-not to my family, best friends, therapist, or myself. I’ve learned that I have no reason to feel shame or embarrassment. It’s time to bring the truth to light. I hope my story raises awareness and helps others. This is my story, my memories, my experiences, and my version. If you can relate to my story, I am so sorry. No one should have to go through this or anything like it. Even if you haven’t experienced what I have, I think you’ll find something in my story that speaks to you. My story is not your story. I’ll explain the last three years of my life and how I support three kids on $10 a month from their father. What happened in the last few years may surprise you. You might question the legal systems. This kind of systemic legal and post-separation abuse shouldn’t happen, and yet it does, every single day. I honestly don’t know where I’d be today if police officers, the District Attorney, friends, family, and strangers didn’t believe me. I’ve only ever told the truth about what happened despite accusations that I made everything up. I think one of the reasons people believe me is because they see themselves in me. Blood may be thicker than water and the thing that connects family, but blood led to the complete demise of my family. A group of people united by blood is called a family. A group of animals goes by many different names- a pride of lions, a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, and even an embarrassment of pandas. Pandas were an important animal in my family. My ex-mother-in-law had a panda stuffed animal my kids loved and took turns sleeping with. We went on a family trip with my ex-in-laws to the San Diego Zoo to see the pandas. When I was pregnant with my youngest, we didn’t find out the gender, and we called the baby a panda. In the delivery room, the warming machine for newborns was called a panda warmer. My group, my family, my people, were my pandas. A group of pandas being called an embarrassment comes from pandas endearingly clumsy demeanor. My ex-husband’s behavior: embarrassing. My ex-in-law’s behavior: embarrassing. There was nothing endearingly clumsy about the way they acted. When I made the difficult decision to stand up to them, I realized they were truly wild animals, no matter how charming they appeared to the outside world.