The REAL College Survival Guide

Remember taking a College Orientation class as soon as the tuition money cleared? Remember how many important rites of passage it didn’t cover? Humorist Kevin Lawson sure does, and, as expected, he’s brought his charmingly snarky observations to the table. 'The REAL College Survival Guide' is part reference book, part satirical reflection, and all about secondary education. Dorm Resident Advisor: Danger, Will Robinson, Danger! You know, when I signed up to be a resident advisor, I thought I was stepping into a role that would be a mix of mentorship, community building, and maybe a little bit of chaos. What I didn’t expect was to become a glorified babysitter for a bunch of 18-year-olds who think they’re invincible. I mean, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen more questionable life choices in a single semester than I did in my entire high school career. Let’s start with the first week of the semester. I’m all excited, ready to welcome my residents with open arms and a well-rehearsed speech about community and support. I’m thinking, 'This is going to be great! I’m going to help these kids find themselves!' But then, I walk into the common room, and what do I find? A group of freshmen trying to microwave an entire bag of popcorn without taking it out of the plastic. I’m standing there, watching them, and I can’t help but think, 'This is the future of our society?' And then there’s the noise. Oh, the noise. You’d think I was living in a concert hall. I mean, I get it; it’s college, and you want to have fun. But when your idea of fun is blasting music at 2 a.m. while I’m trying to have a heart-to-heart with my pillow, we have a problem. I once had to knock on a door at 3 a.m. because someone thought it would be a good idea to host a karaoke night. Spoiler alert: they couldn’t sing. I’m pretty sure I lost a few brain cells that night, and I’m still waiting for them to come back. And let’s not forget about the 'emergencies.' I’ve had residents come to me with issues ranging from 'I lost my phone' to 'I think my roommate is a vampire.' Yes, a vampire. Apparently, the roommate was just really into goth fashion and had a penchant for staying up all night. But hey, who am I to judge? I mean, I once thought I could pull off a mohawk, so we all have our phases. Then there’s the classic 'I can’t find my ID' scenario. You’d think these kids were searching for the Holy Grail. I’ve seen them tear apart their entire rooms, throw clothes everywhere, and even check the fridge-because, you know, maybe it was hiding next to the leftover pizza. And when they finally find it, it’s always in the last place they look. I mean, of course it is! It’s like they think the ID is playing hide and seek. And let’s talk about the 'community events' I’m supposed to organize. I had this brilliant idea to host a game night. I thought, 'What could go wrong?' Well, let me tell you, when you mix competitive spirits with a group of college students and a game of Monopoly, you’re basically setting the stage for World War III. I had to mediate a fight over who was stealing whose properties, and by the end of the night, I was just as exhausted as if I’d run a marathon. So, here I am, a resident advisor, navigating the wild world of college life. I’ve learned to embrace the chaos, laugh at the absurdity, and remind myself that one day, these kids will look back and realize that maybe, just maybe, they weren’t as invincible as they thought. And who knows? Maybe one day, they’ll be the ones telling stories about their time in the dorms, and I’ll be the punchline.