A Life in Black & White

 I was in my early forties when my friend Gem suggested that it might be beneficial for me to see a counsellor, as she knew that I have struggled with feelings of worthlessness and insecurity my entire life, resulting in episodes of deep depression.Subsequently, a counsellor helped me to unlock the feelings and emotions buried inside me, and to express them in a safe environment, starting me on a journey of self-discovery, which continues to this day. I wrote my first poem ever, Dragon Slayer, during this period, after watching the film “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves,” because the Sheriff of Nottingham’s mother Mortianna, who was portrayed as an evil witch, triggered terrifying and powerful memories of my childhood.Many of my poems are about my relationship with my Mother. It has been a painful and cathartic process which has helped me to find my voice, and to move on. I am quite sure that my Mum suffered from an undiagnosed mental illness, which was exacerbated by the loss of her firstborn, my sister Jean, who died in a horrific accident when she was six. My father was abroad, fighting for his country during World War II, and it took him over a month to return home on compassionate leave. Unfortunately, there was no such thing as counselling in those days; you just had to keep a stiff upper lip, and get on with it.Although my poems don’t show Mum in a positive light, I am very grateful to her for bringing me up with a sense of right and wrong, and good old-fashioned moral values. I know that she did the best she could, under extremely difficult circumstances.I have called this collection of poetry and prose Black & White, not only as a reference to one of my poems with the same title, which was inspired by a black & white photo, but also, because much of my work is written from a child’s perspective, and it is normal for children to see and express their world in terms of extremes, i.e., black or white, good or bad. Developmental psychologists call this polarization ‘primitive thinking,’ and believe that most adults are prone to regressing to primitive thinking when they are having a hard time, or are feeling overwhelmed by their emotions.Several of my poems have a fairy tale motif, as I am particularly interested in fairy tales and the way in which they portray existential dilemmas, and also reflect cultural and social norms at the time they were written. I have included a modern take on a fairy tale I wrote some years ago, at the end of the collection.My first poem, Metamorphosis, is an exploration of the mother/daughter relationship, using ideas taken from the story of Red Riding Hood. It was inspired by a doll my youngest daughter was given many years ago. At one end, is Red Riding Hood, complete with red cloak. At the other, underneath Red Riding Hood’s full skirt, grandma and the wolf are neatly combined as a Janus face under a mob cap, looking in opposite directions, so grandma represents the positive, nurturing aspect of human nature, and the wolf represents the negative, destructive aspect. If we look at the main characters in the story according to Freudian theory, the mother/grandma figure represents the Superego, and the Wolf, the Id, whilst according to the Jungian theory of archetypes, the grandma figure represents the Wise Woman, and the Wolf, the Shadow self.The poem certainly reflects my own confusing and unhappy experience of growing up with a mother who could be caring and loving, but also extremely volatile and frightening.